I worked at Spencers and once I had to sell Fundees to my stepfather-to-be. He had this impatient, excited look on his face which I could only interpret as "When your mom and I are inside these Fundees, It'll be like nobody's business." He even asked to use my employee discount. Why did it have to be Fundees? Why couldn't it have been a pet turd, or a Polish chain saw? Damn the Fundees. Damn the Fundees!

     No one would sample a piece of cheese and have that be the end of it. They had to nod as if impressed and say "hmm" like I had spent the morning in a salt-shack where I wore a bonnet and churned curds all day, eager for the approval of rotund women in sweatshirts. Like it would hurt my feelings if they just jammed a fistful of cheese into their mouths the way they wanted to. Like late at night a flannely, no-nonsense old man appeared in a cloud of mesquite to levitate smoked salami up to the ceiling and bequeath to me that retarded Annie Oakley outfit so I could put it on and declare "That's old fashioned goodness," while I chewed on a stalk of wheat and snapped my suspenders.
     Now I work at the goth/rave store and sell Misfits bobble-head dolls to ten year olds.
     Hope I die soon.

     I saw Aliens fifty times.  "Game over man!" heh heh "We're in some real pretty shit now, man."   Holy crap do I love that movie. "Come on sweethearts you heard the man and you know the drill--Assholes and elbows..." 
Heh Heee. Oh, Jesus. "Ripleeeeeeeeeeeyyyy!"
     So I worked at the theater for two years, then got a job landscaping which was excellent because everybody smoked weed. Even the boss smoked weed. It was the summer of tons and tons of weed. 

     A sad little old lady bought that White Zombie CD with the lounge-style cover-- Remember? The girl nude in the hammock?-- because she assumed it was the one thing in the store she might enjoy. Later that day, she called back because the cd wouldn't work on her record player. Everyone thought it was hilarious.
     Sometimes, when I remember that...I cry.

     Any money I earned at the Shoe Boat, I spent in the arcade. I was the one responsible for every cigarette burn between every "fire"  button in the entire SpacePort. But right around the time they ruined Track and Field by replacing the buttons with trackballs, I decided video games were gay and began dating this girl Karen who worked at Merry Go Round. She looked like the girl from the video for "Stay The Night" by Chicago.
   
     I had it major! 

My job was to engrave words onto flasks and watches and things like that.  Once I did a silver pentagram pendant for someone and he wanted:
Remember the first time I snuggled the wubbies!
I tried to talk him out of the exclamation point. I don't know why. A period or question mark would have been much less effective.

I was a regional manager for twelve Orange Julius's

     My first day at Kitchen and Company I knocked over an entire display of garlic ovens. It was scary as hell, and I totally lost it. I ran through the food court blubbering and knocking over garbage cans. It was my first job ever and I had fucked things up royally. It was also Christmas time and animatronic elves were all smiley with their maniacal, Christmas robot shit and people were wearing happy-assed Santa hats, which made me feel like even worse. I peeled out in my dad's car and went the wrong way down an entrance ramp.